The book I am currently reading challenges the reader to define “Pretty” and “Ugly” what they really mean and how they define people. The Uglies by Scott Westerfeld, although I’m only on page 202, has sparked a rather interesting inner dialog. If I were in the future that this book describes I would be more than an Ugly. But, how other people and most importantly I see myself now, in 2016 is what I want to focus on. Going into 2017, I want to be a Pretty and not in the way that Westerfeld has predicted. I want to have the confidence of a Pretty, I want to be the curvy and beautiful women that I am with the confidence of the most regal Pretty of the future. And it’s going to take me silencing the little people in my head that are constantly telling me that im fat and/or ugly, or that im not smart and not worth someones attention and love. All those little guys have to be put down and for good. God made me in his image and He doesn’t make mistakes. I know that sin has taken over and I’m not exactly what he intended but im still perfect in his eye, so I should be worth something in my own. So my only New Years Resolution is to love Nia, completely and without anything added on or pounds subtracted.
I know I’ve been doing a lot of random “Just my thoughts” lately but I’ve just been thinking a lot I guess. Tonight i’m struggling with acceptance and seeing God’s plan for my life. A very important relationship just took a turn and i’ll miss the way things used to be, however maybe this is for the best. It gives me time and a chance to work on myself. The only problem is my stubborn tail doesn’t like change and doesn’t want the relationship to shift. Sometimes its hard to just accept that things rarely go the way you think they should and when you get on the other side you’ll see just how your way wasn’t the best way. I’m writing this because I’m on the end of uncertainty and I don’t see a reasonable end in sight. But I know thats God has everything under control and he wouldn’t bring me through this if 1 he didn’t know I could handle it and 2 if he didn’t have a better plan all set up for me. A friend told me today that God has so many blessings for us, all we have to do is reach out and grab them. Well God here I am, I’m putting my pride, my feelings, and my life (present and future) in your hands. Please give me peace and acceptance as well as pour out a blessing amongst this seemingly unpleasant situation!
So, I have commitment issues and abandonment issues. Pretty much I have a lot of issues and I’m not sure how they came about. My parents are still married and they never dumped me on the side of the road. So I should be fine right? I don’t like being alone, but I don’t like making new friends either. Its kind of a loose loose situation, although this semester has kind of beat the former out of me. You see all of my close friends left last semester, so Ive been spending a lot of time with myself. It hasn’t been all bad, I’ve learned a lot and I’ve honestly started to love myself a lot more. Its hard sometimes and I wish my friends didn’t have to leave, but things happen and what can you do? I feel really lonely sometimes and that feeds into the abandonment issues. I used to blame the people that had to leave for my loneliness. My parents for sending me off to boarding school, my friends for leaving me alone. I know its not their fault and that I shouldn’t blame them, but it still hurt! But through it all I learn something pretty major. You can’t expect the people in your life to drop everything when you’re going through something. It’s selfish and unrealistic, the only person who is willing to do that every time is Jesus. He loves us more than anybody can and gladly stop and drops everything for us, every single time. You can never completely rely on anybody but God and don’t expect people to run to your side when things get hard. A girl I used to go to school with once said to me “The way to keeping friends is being there for them completely when they need you and being completely absent when they don’t and not complaining about the duration of either.”
Maybe it’s just me, but if not. Heres’ your confirmation.
I hate saying “Sometimes I feel…” or “I just feel like…” it makes me sound illogical or irrational, like as if I run off of emotions only. I only “feel” this way because of the things people have said to me in regards to my decision making skills. I don’t believe it is always a bad thing to think and/or act emotionally. Although, I can say I’ve done some regrettable things when emotional. I’ve also done a lot of things I’m proud of; sometimes the right amount of emotion can push you tell someone you don’t appreciate the way they are treating you. Or finally sending that text that could make or break a relationship. Feelings and emotion shouldn’t guide your every footstep or be the muse for all monumental decisions. However, maybe the right amount of impulsive emotion can push you to do something amazing. Something that could change your life forever!
Your confirmation, nor worries you’re okay!