What may be my last…

This weekend I went on a trip to see my grandparents out in the counrty. I usually dont like going out there but, I honestly had nothing better to do. So i went, and I am so happy I did. My grandfather has almost lost all of his sight in both eyes and is isnt take it very well. This weekned I got a chance to really sit and talk with him. Not only did it make him extremely happy, I learned so much about him that i wasnt previusly award of. Both granny and grandaddy kept telling me houw much they love me and how proud they are. I dont know if that was the last time i’ll see them. Tomorrow is not promised to any of us. I am going to start making an effort to spend time with the people i love.

I dont know if i’m the only that thinks everytime maybe the last.  But if you do too, here is your confirmation.

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Peace?

What even is true peace? Is it not ever wanting to cry? Or is it feeling like life is finally the way you’ve always dreamed? Maybe its when the restlessness in your soul finally ceases? I’m going to go with the latter. I just want to be happy and I believe true peace will come when I am. Now… how do I get there exactly?

Just some random thoughts!

What’s you’re one true passion​?

I want to be passionate about something, I want to work tirelessly on something that brings me immense joy. Something that I work day and night on and when it doesn’t work out the way I planned, I am crushed. Right now there is nothing I can think of that would absolutely crush me…I wish there was. The only goal I was looking towards was marriage. Now that I don’t see that happening any time recently, I feel lost. And although not being with him completely crushed me, realizing this was even more devastating.

Breakthrough?

I normally don’t feel “okay”. I am fearful for the fuure a lot and I dont trust God to forfill my happiness all the time. But, today while I was doing my makeshift yoga, I started praying and I dont know what happended but I just feel better now. I’m not saying i will feel better from now on. But, in this moment I feel like God will take care of all my needs and maybe even some of my wants. I started writing down things I am thankful for, when things get bad i tend to forget them. I think it’s important to realize my life isnt in shambles and everything is turned upside down. God has done so much for me, more than I could ever thank him for. And just because I dont have love in my life right now, doesnt mean I wont soon. Right now, in this moment I’m going to focus on falling in love with Jesus. It literally hurts to say this, but a man can wait…I guess! Jesus is my man and He loves more than ANYONE ever could.

I get discouraged sometimes, if you do too here is some confirmation! You’re right where God wants you. Blessings!!

What went through my mind when I​ found out he’s been using me.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt this feeling before. It’s like being told that all the bad thoughts you ever had about yourself, you know the ones you kept pushing away. The thoughts that scared you or made you cry. ALL of them are true, and they are all sitting on your chest yelling at the top of their lungs and banging pots and pans together. Not only are they real but they will not be ignored.

People say I’m dramatic and that I overreact a lot of the time. But honestly, I don’t try to, it’s seriously just how I feel. I guess when other people feel a 2 I feel a 10. Or maybe I’ve just never been through anything and my naivety makes these things seem worse than they are. I’m not sure, I just wish I could tell my brain to stop, to feel less and my chest to quick with the aching and my stomach to chill with the knots. Because when I’m in this “dramatic overreaction” it just feels a lot like how my brain and body react to sadness and I can’t stop it.

 

Fears

I absolutely love books, poems and reading in general. However, whenever I read something that supposed to be deep and meaningful I can never get there by myself. I just see the words and understand the literal meaning of what’s there. After I’ve read and “thought” I understood I get into class and my whole world is turned upside down. The teacher and my peers show me just how much of the reading I wasn’t understanding. They break it down and I sit there wondering why I couldn’t have come to that by myself.

This probably wouldn’t be a big deal, however, my major is English and ill probably be reading and interpreting stories and poems like this my whole life. What if I get in front of a class and can’t help them understand because I don”t. It’s kind of unnerving.

If you fear you’re unqualified for your future, no worries, you’re not alone. Here is your confirmation.

Growing Older

The older I get the more I notice myself changing. Like when I was younger I used to LOVE rollercoasters, I would ride them all the time and feel so exhilarated. However, yesterday I got on a Ferris wheel and I was freaking out and holding onto the pole. Another example is my current love for cubed ice like I used to be obsessed with crushed ice, now the thought of drinking something with crushed ice in it makes my brain get all crazy.

P.S. sorry I haven’t posted in like an eternity, I just haven’t had to motivation. Here I am again though, I am going to try and post once a day if I have time. I don’t think anyone actually reads this but if you do Hi and I’m sorry for not posting, ill definitely do better!

Seven Hours

I just experienced one of the scariest hours of my life. My mother called me hysterical not able to locate my father. She’d gone to the lengths of calling the police and having the whole family in a frenzy praying for his safe return. All I could think about was how much my dad didn’t deserve to be face down in a ditch or in a jail cell. He’s the best man I know and the last one that deserves any kind of pain or suffering. In the end he came home safe and sound from traffic school and all was well. But this event got me thinking of the potential threat that constantly surrounds the black men in america. This situation ended up being nothing at all but could have been something just by him getting pulled over. I want to live in a world where if my dad doesn’t call for seven hours my mom can rest easy knowing he’s okay. However, thats not the world we live in, seven hours is more than enough time to have been something fatal.

If you’re scared trust me, everyone is too. Here’s your confirmation.

FAITH IN GOD ALONE!

These last couple of days have been hell for me. I’d find myself weeping at least three times a day over the same old stuff I just can’t seem to shake. Shelf image, boys, trying to hear Gods voce, did I mention boys already if not BOYS! However, today I sat on the couch crying so hard my chest started to hurt, I began to kind of yell at God. I’ve been trying to give him my problems and not dwell on them but like I said already I keep finding myself crying uncontrollable all over again. All of a sudden a thought popped into my head and I slowly started to calm down. YOU CANT TRUST ANYONE!!!!! No matter how much they promise not to hurt you, or tell you how much they love you. They WILL fail you and you will end up like me, crying and asking God why. There could be a lot of different reasons why this boy has made such a huge impact on my life to have me so torn up like this, but one of them I can be sure of, is that I needed to learn to only have my faith in God. I know that I put my faith people way to much and I end up hurt…a lot. I think this was a good reminder to stop. Trusting anyone or anything (money) other than Jesus Christ himself is very dangerous and can only lead to your own demise.

Maybe its just me, if not here’s your confirmation. (we probably are crazy though)

 

The hope I hold on to…

Sometimes I think if I could just get the perfect syntax put together you’d want me again. However, I know that no matter how masterful I say I love you and I want you and that i’d do ANYTHING for you. If you don’t feel the same its all on deaf ears. And thats why I don’t say anything. The thought that maybe you will want me again with no confirmation, is better than being sure of the other. But hope is a dangerous thing to have and at the end of the day I’m the only one crying myself to sleep every night. So its kind of a loose loose situation.

PS. I know no one read these but sorry for the absence. Im kind of going through something.