I just experienced one of the scariest hours of my life. My mother called me hysterical not able to locate my father. She’d gone to the lengths of calling the police and having the whole family in a frenzy praying for his safe return. All I could think about was how much my dad didn’t deserve to be face down in a ditch or in a jail cell. He’s the best man I know and the last one that deserves any kind of pain or suffering. In the end he came home safe and sound from traffic school and all was well. But this event got me thinking of the potential threat that constantly surrounds the black men in america. This situation ended up being nothing at all but could have been something just by him getting pulled over. I want to live in a world where if my dad doesn’t call for seven hours my mom can rest easy knowing he’s okay. However, thats not the world we live in, seven hours is more than enough time to have been something fatal.
If you’re scared trust me, everyone is too. Here’s your confirmation.
These last couple of days have been hell for me. I’d find myself weeping at least three times a day over the same old stuff I just can’t seem to shake. Shelf image, boys, trying to hear Gods voce, did I mention boys already if not BOYS! However, today I sat on the couch crying so hard my chest started to hurt, I began to kind of yell at God. I’ve been trying to give him my problems and not dwell on them but like I said already I keep finding myself crying uncontrollable all over again. All of a sudden a thought popped into my head and I slowly started to calm down. YOU CANT TRUST ANYONE!!!!! No matter how much they promise not to hurt you, or tell you how much they love you. They WILL fail you and you will end up like me, crying and asking God why. There could be a lot of different reasons why this boy has made such a huge impact on my life to have me so torn up like this, but one of them I can be sure of, is that I needed to learn to only have my faith in God. I know that I put my faith people way to much and I end up hurt…a lot. I think this was a good reminder to stop. Trusting anyone or anything (money) other than Jesus Christ himself is very dangerous and can only lead to your own demise.
Maybe its just me, if not here’s your confirmation. (we probably are crazy though)
Sometimes I think if I could just get the perfect syntax put together you’d want me again. However, I know that no matter how masterful I say I love you and I want you and that i’d do ANYTHING for you. If you don’t feel the same its all on deaf ears. And thats why I don’t say anything. The thought that maybe you will want me again with no confirmation, is better than being sure of the other. But hope is a dangerous thing to have and at the end of the day I’m the only one crying myself to sleep every night. So its kind of a loose loose situation.
PS. I know no one read these but sorry for the absence. Im kind of going through something.
I am starting a new semester tomorrow and I have to admit, I’m not excited. I’m more scared than anything and I’m not even 100% as to why. I plan on a lot this year: making new friends, making connections, and making amazing grades. And in my personal life, of course God first and foremost, as well as trying this yoga thing and my hair…now that’s a whole other beast by itself. But all in all, I want 2017 to be a year of growth, a year of “realizing things” just kidding, but seriously I want to realize the things God wants for me to do and I want to have to strength to do them. Although i have a lot of “plans” God may have different ones. So yes I have to admit I’m scared of what might be ahead of me…
If you feel the same way, no worries here’s your confirmation.
The book I am currently reading challenges the reader to define “Pretty” and “Ugly” what they really mean and how they define people. The Uglies by Scott Westerfeld, although I’m only on page 202, has sparked a rather interesting inner dialog. If I were in the future that this book describes I would be more than an Ugly. But, how other people and most importantly I see myself now, in 2016 is what I want to focus on. Going into 2017, I want to be a Pretty and not in the way that Westerfeld has predicted. I want to have the confidence of a Pretty, I want to be the curvy and beautiful women that I am with the confidence of the most regal Pretty of the future. And it’s going to take me silencing the little people in my head that are constantly telling me that im fat and/or ugly, or that im not smart and not worth someones attention and love. All those little guys have to be put down and for good. God made me in his image and He doesn’t make mistakes. I know that sin has taken over and I’m not exactly what he intended but im still perfect in his eye, so I should be worth something in my own. So my only New Years Resolution is to love Nia, completely and without anything added on or pounds subtracted.
I know I’ve been doing a lot of random “Just my thoughts” lately but I’ve just been thinking a lot I guess. Tonight i’m struggling with acceptance and seeing God’s plan for my life. A very important relationship just took a turn and i’ll miss the way things used to be, however maybe this is for the best. It gives me time and a chance to work on myself. The only problem is my stubborn tail doesn’t like change and doesn’t want the relationship to shift. Sometimes its hard to just accept that things rarely go the way you think they should and when you get on the other side you’ll see just how your way wasn’t the best way. I’m writing this because I’m on the end of uncertainty and I don’t see a reasonable end in sight. But I know thats God has everything under control and he wouldn’t bring me through this if 1 he didn’t know I could handle it and 2 if he didn’t have a better plan all set up for me. A friend told me today that God has so many blessings for us, all we have to do is reach out and grab them. Well God here I am, I’m putting my pride, my feelings, and my life (present and future) in your hands. Please give me peace and acceptance as well as pour out a blessing amongst this seemingly unpleasant situation!
So, I have commitment issues and abandonment issues. Pretty much I have a lot of issues and I’m not sure how they came about. My parents are still married and they never dumped me on the side of the road. So I should be fine right? I don’t like being alone, but I don’t like making new friends either. Its kind of a loose loose situation, although this semester has kind of beat the former out of me. You see all of my close friends left last semester, so Ive been spending a lot of time with myself. It hasn’t been all bad, I’ve learned a lot and I’ve honestly started to love myself a lot more. Its hard sometimes and I wish my friends didn’t have to leave, but things happen and what can you do? I feel really lonely sometimes and that feeds into the abandonment issues. I used to blame the people that had to leave for my loneliness. My parents for sending me off to boarding school, my friends for leaving me alone. I know its not their fault and that I shouldn’t blame them, but it still hurt! But through it all I learn something pretty major. You can’t expect the people in your life to drop everything when you’re going through something. It’s selfish and unrealistic, the only person who is willing to do that every time is Jesus. He loves us more than anybody can and gladly stop and drops everything for us, every single time. You can never completely rely on anybody but God and don’t expect people to run to your side when things get hard. A girl I used to go to school with once said to me “The way to keeping friends is being there for them completely when they need you and being completely absent when they don’t and not complaining about the duration of either.”
Maybe it’s just me, but if not. Heres’ your confirmation.