What may be my last…

This weekend I went on a trip to see my grandparents out in the counrty. I usually dont like going out there but, I honestly had nothing better to do. So i went, and I am so happy I did. My grandfather has almost lost all of his sight in both eyes and is isnt take it very well. This weekned I got a chance to really sit and talk with him. Not only did it make him extremely happy, I learned so much about him that i wasnt previusly award of. Both granny and grandaddy kept telling me houw much they love me and how proud they are. I dont know if that was the last time i’ll see them. Tomorrow is not promised to any of us. I am going to start making an effort to spend time with the people i love.

I dont know if i’m the only that thinks everytime maybe the last.  But if you do too, here is your confirmation.

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Peace?

What even is true peace? Is it not ever wanting to cry? Or is it feeling like life is finally the way you’ve always dreamed? Maybe its when the restlessness in your soul finally ceases? I’m going to go with the latter. I just want to be happy and I believe true peace will come when I am. Now… how do I get there exactly?

Just some random thoughts!

What’s you’re one true passion​?

I want to be passionate about something, I want to work tirelessly on something that brings me immense joy. Something that I work day and night on and when it doesn’t work out the way I planned, I am crushed. Right now there is nothing I can think of that would absolutely crush me…I wish there was. The only goal I was looking towards was marriage. Now that I don’t see that happening any time recently, I feel lost. And although not being with him completely crushed me, realizing this was even more devastating.

Breakthrough?

I normally don’t feel “okay”. I am fearful for the fuure a lot and I dont trust God to forfill my happiness all the time. But, today while I was doing my makeshift yoga, I started praying and I dont know what happended but I just feel better now. I’m not saying i will feel better from now on. But, in this moment I feel like God will take care of all my needs and maybe even some of my wants. I started writing down things I am thankful for, when things get bad i tend to forget them. I think it’s important to realize my life isnt in shambles and everything is turned upside down. God has done so much for me, more than I could ever thank him for. And just because I dont have love in my life right now, doesnt mean I wont soon. Right now, in this moment I’m going to focus on falling in love with Jesus. It literally hurts to say this, but a man can wait…I guess! Jesus is my man and He loves more than ANYONE ever could.

I get discouraged sometimes, if you do too here is some confirmation! You’re right where God wants you. Blessings!!

What went through my mind when I​ found out he’s been using me.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt this feeling before. It’s like being told that all the bad thoughts you ever had about yourself, you know the ones you kept pushing away. The thoughts that scared you or made you cry. ALL of them are true, and they are all sitting on your chest yelling at the top of their lungs and banging pots and pans together. Not only are they real but they will not be ignored.

People say I’m dramatic and that I overreact a lot of the time. But honestly, I don’t try to, it’s seriously just how I feel. I guess when other people feel a 2 I feel a 10. Or maybe I’ve just never been through anything and my naivety makes these things seem worse than they are. I’m not sure, I just wish I could tell my brain to stop, to feel less and my chest to quick with the aching and my stomach to chill with the knots. Because when I’m in this “dramatic overreaction” it just feels a lot like how my brain and body react to sadness and I can’t stop it.

 

Fears

I absolutely love books, poems and reading in general. However, whenever I read something that supposed to be deep and meaningful I can never get there by myself. I just see the words and understand the literal meaning of what’s there. After I’ve read and “thought” I understood I get into class and my whole world is turned upside down. The teacher and my peers show me just how much of the reading I wasn’t understanding. They break it down and I sit there wondering why I couldn’t have come to that by myself.

This probably wouldn’t be a big deal, however, my major is English and ill probably be reading and interpreting stories and poems like this my whole life. What if I get in front of a class and can’t help them understand because I don”t. It’s kind of unnerving.

If you fear you’re unqualified for your future, no worries, you’re not alone. Here is your confirmation.

Growing Older

The older I get the more I notice myself changing. Like when I was younger I used to LOVE rollercoasters, I would ride them all the time and feel so exhilarated. However, yesterday I got on a Ferris wheel and I was freaking out and holding onto the pole. Another example is my current love for cubed ice like I used to be obsessed with crushed ice, now the thought of drinking something with crushed ice in it makes my brain get all crazy.

P.S. sorry I haven’t posted in like an eternity, I just haven’t had to motivation. Here I am again though, I am going to try and post once a day if I have time. I don’t think anyone actually reads this but if you do Hi and I’m sorry for not posting, ill definitely do better!

New semester, New me

I am starting a new semester tomorrow and I have to admit, I’m not excited. I’m more scared than anything and I’m not even 100% as to why. I plan on a lot this year: making new friends, making connections, and making amazing grades. And in my personal life, of course God first and foremost, as well as trying this yoga thing and my hair…now that’s a whole other beast by  itself. But all in all, I want 2017 to be a year of growth, a year of “realizing things” just kidding, but seriously I want to realize the things God wants for me to do and I want to have to strength to do them. Although i have a lot of “plans” God may have different ones. So yes I have to admit I’m scared of what might be ahead of me…

If you feel the same way, no worries here’s your confirmation.

Insecurities

My arms, I HATE my arms. They are just so big and lumpy I wish I could cut them off sometimes. But, they do so much for me and I shouldn’t hate something I literally couldn’t do without. So whatever, they’re my arms and as long as they work and help me get through life smoother ill hate them a little less everyday until love grows. But honestly, today I HATE them!!!

I’m going to do better

So I see that no one really reads my blog posts anyway, but I’m going to start writing on here for real this time. I want to strengthen my writing skills while expressing myself and sharing things that matter to me. Im also going to continue with my natural hair updates and little things here and there. Also, another segment I’m going to start is an update on my log distance relationship. He is REALLY private so I’m going to change his name and details about him will be vague. So yeah, anyone who to actually reads this, sorry for the wait and I’m coming back on a more regular basis now.

You’re definitely not crazy, here’s your confirmation!!!