New semester, New me

I am starting a new semester tomorrow and I have to admit, I’m not excited. I’m more scared than anything and I’m not even 100% as to why. I plan on a lot this year: making new friends, making connections, and making amazing grades. And in my personal life, of course God first and foremost, as well as trying this yoga thing and my hair…now that’s a whole other beast by  itself. But all in all, I want 2017 to be a year of growth, a year of “realizing things” just kidding, but seriously I want to realize the things God wants for me to do and I want to have to strength to do them. Although i have a lot of “plans” God may have different ones. So yes I have to admit I’m scared of what might be ahead of me…

If you feel the same way, no worries here’s your confirmation.

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Pretty

The book I am currently reading challenges the reader to define “Pretty” and “Ugly” what they really mean and how they define people. The Uglies by Scott Westerfeld, although I’m only on page 202, has sparked a rather interesting inner dialog. If I were in the future that this book describes I would be more than an Ugly. But, how other people and most importantly I see myself now, in 2016 is what I want to focus on. Going into 2017, I want to be a Pretty and not in the way that Westerfeld has predicted. I want to have the confidence of a Pretty, I want to be the curvy and beautiful women that I am with the confidence of the most regal Pretty of the future. And it’s going to take me silencing the little people in my head that are constantly telling me that im fat and/or ugly, or that im not smart and not worth someones attention and love. All those little guys have to be put down and for good. God made me in his image and He doesn’t make mistakes. I know that sin has taken over and I’m not exactly what he intended but im still perfect in his eye, so I should be worth something in my own. So my only New Years Resolution is to love Nia, completely and without anything added on or pounds subtracted.

Acceptance

I know I’ve been doing a lot of random “Just my thoughts” lately but I’ve just been thinking a lot I guess. Tonight i’m struggling with acceptance and seeing God’s plan for my life. A very important relationship just took a turn and i’ll miss the way things used to be, however maybe this is for the best. It gives me time and a chance to work on myself. The only problem is my stubborn tail doesn’t like change and doesn’t want the relationship to shift. Sometimes its hard to just accept that things rarely go the way you think they should and when you get on the other side you’ll see just how your way wasn’t the best way. I’m writing this because I’m on the end of uncertainty and I don’t see a reasonable end in sight. But I know thats God has everything under control and he wouldn’t bring me through this if 1 he didn’t know I could handle it and 2 if he didn’t have a better plan all set up for me. A friend told me today that God has so many blessings for us, all we have to do is reach out and grab them. Well God here I am, I’m putting my pride, my feelings, and my life (present and future) in your hands. Please give me peace and acceptance as well as pour out a blessing amongst this seemingly unpleasant situation!

Issues

So, I have commitment issues and abandonment issues. Pretty much I have a lot of issues and I’m not sure how they came about. My parents are still married and they never dumped me on the side of the road. So I should be fine right? I don’t like being alone, but I don’t like making new friends either. Its kind of a loose loose situation, although this semester has kind of beat the former out of me. You see all of my close friends left last semester, so Ive been spending a lot of time with myself. It hasn’t been all bad, I’ve learned a lot and I’ve honestly started to love myself a lot more. Its hard sometimes and I wish my friends didn’t have to leave, but things happen and what can you do? I feel really lonely sometimes and that feeds into the abandonment issues. I used to blame the people that had to leave for my loneliness. My parents for sending me off to boarding school, my friends for leaving me alone. I know its not their fault and that I shouldn’t blame them, but it still hurt! But through it all I learn something pretty major. You can’t expect the people in your life to drop everything when you’re going through something. It’s selfish and unrealistic, the only person who is willing to do that every time is Jesus. He loves us more than anybody can and gladly stop and drops everything for us, every single time. You can never completely rely on anybody but God and don’t expect people to run to your side when things get hard. A girl I used to go to school with once said to me “The way to keeping friends is being there for them completely when they need you and being completely absent when they don’t and not complaining about the duration of either.”

Maybe it’s just me, but if not. Heres’ your confirmation.

Feelings

I hate saying “Sometimes I feel…” or  “I just feel like…” it makes me sound illogical or irrational, like as if I run off of emotions only. I only “feel” this way because of the things people have said to me in regards to my decision making skills. I don’t believe it is always a bad thing to think and/or act emotionally. Although, I can say I’ve done some regrettable things when emotional. I’ve also done a lot of things I’m proud of; sometimes the right amount of emotion can push you tell someone you don’t appreciate the way they are treating you. Or finally sending that text that could make or break a relationship. Feelings and emotion shouldn’t guide your every footstep or be the muse for all monumental decisions. However, maybe the right amount of impulsive emotion can push you to do something amazing. Something that could change your life forever!

Your confirmation, nor worries you’re okay!

HAIR

So I put my hair in these little twisties and I don’t love them but they do allow me to be pretty lazy. And my hair is actually growing a lot considering this time last year I had a perm. And not just a perm, like a fresh perm! So I’m pretty excited, I am ^ months from my big chop, but i started transition like a year ago! So I know nobody reads this but if you do and have any tips or tricks for me I would love to hear’m!

Insecurities

My arms, I HATE my arms. They are just so big and lumpy I wish I could cut them off sometimes. But, they do so much for me and I shouldn’t hate something I literally couldn’t do without. So whatever, they’re my arms and as long as they work and help me get through life smoother ill hate them a little less everyday until love grows. But honestly, today I HATE them!!!

Falling in love

Im starting to fall in love with my hair. I thought I could only love her when she was forced to be straight through chemicals or heat. But now I’m starting to really love her, without anything added to make her anything she’s not. Every kink and every curl tell a story of struggle and perseverance and I just hope to continue her story flawlessly. My hair is beautiful and doesn’t need an product or straightening or heat to be perfect, she’s mine and she’s beautiful and I love her.

Hair Update

Hey everyone,

Just a quick update about my hair. I DONT KNWO WHAT THE HELL I AM DOING! I’m really trying though, I watch so many videos and I’ve bought a couple products that are for my type of hair. However, you know that college student budget and what not so I can’t do too much. I just want my hair to grow and be healthy, I hope I’m doing okay! My page background is a pretty recent look at my hair progress. So yeah, that’s all I hope you all voted today and that you don’t take for granted that right.

TRRRRUST ME!!! you’re normal, here’s your confirmation!!!

P.S. If you were wondering I think I’m type 4b